I surrender to the current of the blood in my veins and it takes me back in time.
Back to making friends with ghosts in my toddlerhood bed; back to prophetic dreams of familial tragedy so thoroughly devastating that I would begin tearing myself to pieces before I even hit age five. Coils of skin like a candy trail leading to my unrealized perfection. Perceived flaws that become craters for decades to come.
Back to being whisked away to an arid, unforgivingly hot land, stopping along the way to empty the contents of my knotted stomach. Boarding airplanes alone for years before I reached adolescence. Feeling hope kindling within me only to have the embers doused by heartbreak. Compensating for my utter lack of control of all things by weighing and counting and measuring and demuring and purging and slicing.
Back to a twisted boy with a heavy hand. To the lifelong friends I made while in the trenches of my own wars. To the catcalls and intimidation and the fear. To the drowning and the salvation. To God and I circling each other in the ring, waiting for who would strike first. Waiting for who would strike hardest.
I surrender to the current of the blood in my veins and I feel the power surging there.
Power from being forged in the most searing of flames; from carrying thrice my weight in generations of baggage; from my brushes with death that thinned the veil around me all the time, so that I could once again see my childhood ghosts and show them the magnificent creature I’ve become. Power that comes from the interconnectedness of all living things; I live in service to that network and it fortifies me in return. Power that will never, ever be taken from me again.
I don’t need time travel to understand that it was always meant to be this way. That I was always meant to endure great pain so that I could help carry the pain of others. I was bestowed with a gift that endowed me with strength and resilience and wisdom and empathy. The current of the blood in my veins will always, always carry me home to myself, to the seat of my power in the throne of my heart. A royal rhythm that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.
I surrender, and in that relinquishment, I am finally free.